Self reflection: from past to present

It's 2:50 a.m and I can't sleep.
I have a cold and I'm coughing, great, just before I go. For some reason, the reason I am up isn't because I am leaving. It's just doing the same thinking that I normally do which forces me to write.

I started thinking about myself and my position in this world. I started thinking about how just by changing my mentality on things, I can change the way I absorb information and hence transform myself based on more knowledge.
I started having flashbacks of while I was growing up and what mattered in my life up to this point. I came up with the conclusion that I always wanted to excel. I always wanted to be great but I NEVER was. I always KNEW that I wasn't and I always knew that there were so many others who had more talent in every field I touched on. I liked writing but my writing wasn't always great. I liked reading but it would take me long to read anything. I liked language but I never spoke really well or had the best vocabulary. I was smart but there were so many who were smarter - in all of my classes. I was good in all sports and took basketball seriously for a period, but gave up when I decided it was time to do so. I envied people. I wanted to be better. But I never got there. I always got down on myself and battled in my mind. I told myself I wasn't good enough and if I wanted to excel in one thing in particular, I just could not do it because I didn't have that much strength.

What I also remember is that I knew I was good. I knew I COULD be better IF I really wanted to. I knew that if I focused on that particular train of thought, I could go further with it. I was always open to criticism and valued other opinions and perspectives. So, in essence, I've been a hard worker and a good listener. I knew that I could reach where I wanted if I worked hard enough and forced myself to do things.

When entering the post secondary stage of my life, I still ran into the same problems. I still knew I was definitely not as talented as others and I knew I wasn't the best artist, illustrator or designer. I was just average - but hated being average. I was not okay with it. I let it get to me. I let the marks get to me. I let people get to me. I let myself get to me. I hated it. I hated not being great and expecting myself to be.

Then I started questioning everything. As soon as I did that, I started getting strength. As soon as I stopped caring about being the best in a definitive way, I felt more free. And as soon as I stopped worrying and fearing my future, I felt more complete. It felt like I had transformed myself through my thinking. I started seeing a new light. I started planning my future and not fearing it. I started to focus on thinking, planning, practicing and learning. I felt like there were so many options and so many goals that I could begin thinking about. I felt more creative opportunities by just imagining myself "there". My vision was clear because I could imagine it.
My mind began to strengthen. My confidence grew because I starting creating my own ways through my inspirations. I began to step into new grounds. I started caring more about people. I focused on helping people to help find myself. I found a new satisfaction through being a good person. I started to listen more, read more, write more and think more. I didn't do it because someone told me to, I did it because I wanted to and was okay with investing the majority of my time in doing so.

I've reached a point where I don't define anything in ways that society defines them, even if "that's the way things are". I don't want to be the best in anything anymore. I want to do all the things I really like doing, which is a lot of things. I want to make a difference, be it small scale or large scale. And not to prove myself that I'm worthy but to show others that it CAN be done and you don't HAVE to be the best in anything. You just have to keep your mind open and have a free spirit. Then life will make you smile a lot more often.